Exclusive Interview
‘B&B’ Star Sean Kanan & Wife Michele Reveal Their Secrets to Long-Lasting Love
Soap opera supercouples aren’t found just onscreen. Sean Kanan, who plays Deacon Sharpe on The Bold and the Beautiful, and his wife, Michele Kanan, have been married since July 8, 2012. The two are true partners in life. Together, they’ve taken on numerous creative endeavors, including the Daytime Emmy Award-winning series Studio City, on which Kanan stars as soap opera star Sam Stevens.
Recently, the Cobra Kai star gave an excellent TED Talk on “how to be the hero of your own story.” He’s authored two successful self-help tomes titled Way of the COBRA: Unleash Your Inner Badass and Welcome to the Kumite: Way of the COBRA. Now, he and Michele have written Way of the COBRA Couples, a book that’s available now.
Swooon sat down with Sean and Michele to chat about their love story, how they manage to have a successful relationship in Hollywood, and their many projects. These two are literally hot stuff – in addition to Way of the COBRA Couples, they’ve launched a hot sauce called Bad Boy Hot Sauce.
How did you two meet?
Sean: I was actually on a date with a friend of Michele’s. Then, Michele showed up and I very quickly decided I was with the wrong girl. We wound up going out for lunch, and lunch has been about 15 years now.
Michele: Our whole story is in the book. As often is the case, there’s his version, there’s my version, and there’s the truth, but yes, that’s how we met.
What did you find attractive about each other?
Sean: I had always heard that women can be all four seasons in a day. It must have been monsoon season the day I met Michele because she came into the room like a force of nature. She was very upset, very vocal about something. I thought to myself, “I’m going to marry that woman!”
Michele: I had gotten married when I was really young. I had never dated. I didn’t think another man would be interested in me. The fact that Sean was so suave and confident impressed me. He was the Karate Kid “bad boy” [as Mike Barnes]. I was very flattered by Sean’s attention. It was very exciting.
Way of the COBRA Couples addresses the complications of relationships in a very straightforward way. The book’s tone is friendly, conversational, and also practical.
Sean: We deal with some heavy stuff, but yes, it is conversational. It’s like you’re sitting down and having a conversation with us. I think relating some of the stories to my own life humanizes me. It makes it more relatable. I want readers who might be thinking that I have all the answers that, no, I don’t. Everybody’s life is messy. Nobody’s perfect. In the book, you’ll find strategies that we use to have a vibrant, loving, caring, relationship in Hollywood, which is not easy!
What’s the best way to work things out when you’re having a disagreement?
Sean: You have to decide what your end goal is. Are you arguing because you want to win? Or because you want conflict/resolution? Solutions frequently require compromise. If you’re looking for that feeling of vanquishing somebody, well, that’s one way to go. But if you’re planning on staying in a relationship with somebody, you’re going to find out that [vanquishing them] does cause resentment and alienation. It is okay to have spirited conversations and, shall we say, even yell, but try to move towards a solution.
Michele: This is all true. We have a chapter about how blame does not exist in this dojo. If you use shame, that just puts a person in a place of defensiveness. I chuck blame out the window. What really matters is asking, “What is the discourse? What’s the root cause of the tension? How do you get around it?” Oftentimes we bicker about things that aren’t important. It’s not really about Sean’s socks going in the hamper or the dishes in the sink. It’s about not feeling seen. Sometimes, the socks and the dishes bother me. Others, they don’t. It’s about being seen.
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What’s it like working together on projects like Studio City and a more recent collaboration, Bad Boy Hot Sauce?
Sean: Michele and I both have strong personalities. One thing about writing is that you tend to get very possessive of the words. You have to sort of decide what the best idea is. Other times, you have to say, “Hey, listen, this is how I feel.”
Listen, I love Tom Cruise, but I think that Jerry Maguire did more to mess people up with relationships by saying you need someone to “complete you.” You don’t need anyone to complete you. What you need is someone who can facilitate an environment where you can be your most authentic self. That’s what a partner should do.
Michele: When we were producing Studio City, we were going through a lot. We’d become empty-nesters. We had moved. There was a lot going on. In that time, we gave each other a lot of grace. We realized that we’re very good teammates with each other.
Valentine’s Day is over but how can couples be romantic throughout the year?
Sean: Valentine’s Day can cause a lot of pressure, but it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s about connecting. Connect with the person you’re with. Know that it’s going to be a great Valentine’s Day. That doesn’t mean you have to go to a fancy dinner or put rose petals around the bed. All that stuff is nice, but if you can do something just to show the object of your affection that you did something extra special. Maybe it’s preparing a meal?
One thing I do for Michele is occasionally watch rom-coms with her. I mean, I don’t love them, but she does. Watching them with her makes her happy and, ultimately, connecting with her is way more important than me getting to necessarily choose what movie I want to watch. Have fun with your partner and see where the night takes you.
Michele: Romance is free. It doesn’t take a lot to be romantic. We always had kids around, so it was hard to be romantic in the beginning of our relationship. We’d plan things on the fly. We’d do really sweet things in the morning. Whoever got up first would make the coffee. Sean would leave a note on my pillow that read: “To be continued…” I’d text him a little something racy during the day. He’d text something back. By the time he’d get home, I was so happy to see him. For us, romance begins in the morning. It’s about connecting. That’s what Valentine’s Day is. To know your partner well enough to make them smile and feel loved.
Sean: If you’re looking to have a real relationship, you can only put on the shiny penny act for so long. You need to be willing to show up being who you are, and you have to be authentic. Don’t try to be a pleaser. If it works out, great. If it doesn’t, you’ve dodged a bullet because if you’d have to put on a façade. How are you going to do that for 30 years?
I’m a huge believer in the Law of Vibration, which says everything vibrates at the subatomic level including rocks but also words, emotions, and thoughts. If you’re putting out that you are somebody who wants to date a lot of people, and not have a serious relationship and just have fun, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s a time and a place for that because it teaches us what we do and don’t’ want.
When you decide to really become ready to meet a significant other, you’ll start putting that vibration out, and you’ll see that the types of people that become more responsive to you. You’re going to connect with more people who are going to be like-minded, who are looking for the same thing.
The Bold and the Beautiful, Weekdays, CBS
