Real World Romance
‘And Just Like That’ Cut the Cord on Phone Sex—Should We Hang Up For Good?
Phone sex can feel like something out of the latest season of Black Mirror—a way to get off without requiring any actual human contact. But phone sex has probably been around as long as phones have. Alexander Graham Bell (aka the inventor of the telephone) surely whispered naughty words down the line to his wife while she struggled to get through her 100 layers of petticoats.
And forget Black Mirror—we’ve been seeing phone sex on our screens for decades. In Girls, the show that just refuses to inch toward irrelevance, Hannah (Lena Dunham) and Adam (Adam Driver) frequently gave us stomachaches with their weird and boundary-pushing phone sex attempts. And in the final season, we saw Marnie (Allison Williams) embark on some mutual masturbation with a PT, only to have Hannah’s mother interrupt—the true bane of phone sex.
If you look around, you’ll likely find that phone sex truly is all around you. So, why is it suddenly getting such a bad rep thanks to that And Just Like That episode? Is phone sex as much a relic of the past as asking for someone’s number in a bar or changing your ringtone to the newest Gwen Stefani song? Has the introduction of video ruined phone sex, or is it time to get more creative? Put us on loudspeaker—we’re diving into the weird, wild world of phone sex.
And Just Like That…they ruined phone sex
Aidan (John Corbett) and Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) have been unwillingly forced to press pause on their relationship as he focuses on his kids in Virginia. He drunkenly rings her for a “catch-up” in the Season 3 premiere, but really for some dirty phone chat. Aidan starts saying all the right things and unzipping his trousers, Carrie’s hand is drifting under the duvet… but he accidentally hits his car horn. Talk about a mood killer—especially when accompanied by his admission that he “sh*t [his] pants a little.” He tries to get them back on track, but Carrie is out of the zone and more focused on her pervy cat watching. She fakes it, although not very convincingly. Later, Carrie calls back to try again, but Aidan is lying next to his sleeping son, and so she gives up, mega embarrassed.
Craig Blankenhorn / Max
This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Carrie engage in phone sex—although it is the first time it went so poorly. Back in the days of classic Sex and the City (miss her), Big (Chris Noth) got our main character girlie to dally in some phone sex while he lived in Napa Valley for about two minutes. We also saw Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) engage in some filthy phone sex several times with the same guy, only to realize he’d been entertaining multiple women at the same time—honestly, impressive.
Those cases involved some sexy role play, furious rubbing, and yes, a big ol’ O. Why has it gone so wrong now? When did we lose the magic of phone sex?
The pillars of phone sex
As demonstrated in AJLT and Marnie’s foiled attempt in Girls, phone sex can be a key way to stay connected to someone while doing long distance. Sex toys get the job done and ethical porn can keep you company, but sometimes you want something a little more personalized. We saw this in The Mindy Project, when Mindy (Mindy Kaling) and Danny (Chris Messina) used phone sex to try and feel closer, much to his discomfort.
ABC
ABC
But phone sex can also happen in short-distance relationships, or even, dare I say it, non-relationships. In Scandal, Olivia (Kerry Washington) and Fitz (Tony Goldwyn) share plenty of steamy sessions over the phone, which are always emotionally charged and filled with that classic Shonda Rhimes “talk dirty while ruining the republic” energy. In Gossip Girl, Blair (Leighton Meester) and Chuck (Ed Westwick) communicate over phone for maximum flirtation and teasing, almost edging themselves in preparation for when they can release together.
Between two consenting adults, phone sex is a way to engage in foreplay, distanced sexual pleasure, or explore dynamics to later continue face-to-face.
U up?
Previously, this writer had toyed with sending sneaky photos (no face, don’t worry, Mom) and maybe the occasional well-timed voice note, but never outright phone sex. Then she started seeing someone new and, surprisingly, a few weeks in, she found herself engaging in some of the kinkiest phone sex. And you know what? It was hot—far hotter than it had any right to be. How could video call sex feel easy when sometimes even sexting in the past had felt like cracking the (very dry) Da Vinci Code?
Phone sex is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and it’s especially not a bandage on a failing relationship. It can provide a feeling of physical intimacy, but it cannot produce emotional intimacy where there is none. That emotional intimacy needs to be present beforehand and is actually the backbone of successful phone sex. Before you embark on some nasty or sweet phone sex, you need to feel sexually open with them in person—because that’s only going to be harder through the little metal box! Swooon reached out beyond the screen to find out the status of phone sex in the real world. (*Denotes a different name used.)
Sara*, 25, has regular sexy phone calls with her girlfriend, who’s studying in a different country. “We don’t have a set schedule, but we aim for once a week or whenever we’re both home and horny,” she shares. “It feels much smoother now than when we first started, and we just laugh if it ever feels awkward. We text so much that this is really our sex time, not catch-up time.”
Mandy*, 29, doesn’t reserve phone sex for monogamous relationships—she actually considers it a great way to vet new potential partners. “If someone’s good at phone sex, it gives me more hope for our sexual compatibility in the long run,” Mandy explains.
In contrast, Alicia*, 32, once broke things off with a guy partly because he suggested phone sex too early in the courting period. “We’d only slept together a handful of times, and then on a catch-up call—he was traveling for a family thing—he tried to start talking about me sucking his d**k,” Alicia reveals. “Like, your mom is in the next room, I’m sitting here in sweatpants… read the room.”
For Callum*, 28, phone sex is a “great way to stay in touch with exes or app matches that never blossomed into more.”
How to conquer phone sex
Consider your format.
If you find speaking on the phone a little too daunting (every Gen Z ever), consider sexting for now. You can type out what you want them to do to you while they take their turn, and then switch sides. If you feel comfortable and trust the individual, a little picture can be added—or perhaps a voice note. If you feel like speaking over the phone is too removed, add video to the picture!
Check your partner’s vibe.
The most uncomfortable aspect of Carrie/Aidan was how uninterested she was—and the fact that he somehow wasn’t grasping that. You don’t necessarily have to schedule phone sex, but definitely get some consent before starting and check their temperature.
Set the scene.
Basically, Carrie should’ve shooed Shoe away immediately, as she had no chance of staying present in the moment with those sweet baby eyes on her. Put your phone on Do Not Disturb and change into something sexy. Dim the lights so you’re not faced with the bright reality of your choices.
Pick up on each other’s language.
Either in person or over the phone, see what terms they use to refer to their bits—some words might have icky connotations for one of you. Pay attention to how they describe wanting to be touched, or reference specific things you’ve done together. This ensures you’re both on the same script.
Introduce dirty talk in person as well.
This can bridge the gap to doing it over the phone. If you need some assistance, consider listening to audio erotica or reading literotica. Or, if you’re not one for filthy chat, you can also just listen to one another masturbate.
Need some talking points?
Relive a previous experience together, describe what you want them to do to you next time or share a fantasy. If that feels tricky, focus on the senses or talk them through what you’re currently doing. Don’t doubt yourself—this is hot stuff!
Need a hand?
Don’t be afraid to bring in a toy to help with the deed, especially if you’re feeling a little uncertain about it all.
Did Aidan and Carrie’s painful experience make you swear off phone sex? Let us know in the comments!
